Well, it's been a while since I last write here freely with no planning ahead, having tons of drafts getting updated day by day. I miss that kind of writing so here I am. Seriously today's post won't be something that's informative or important, just me being myself randomly writing about whatever comes up in my head at the moment.
Developing a new costly hobby
Currently just finished watching Thirty But Seventeen so I was kinda bored. The drama was great until its 15th episode coz it was too rush, it lost the hype. I was disappointed. But the 16th episode made it up as it was a perfect final episode for a drama. Reflecting on my activities these past few weeks, I realised that my love for watching movies or dramas or tv shows are growing rapidly. I couldn't go a day without watching a movie because somehow, watching movies also was some sort of reality escapism which I needed the most. But I'm mad at myself for can't wait for the online release of a newly released movie at the cinema. As for god's sake, it costs me money!
Farewell to the people I cherish
When I first entered the company, I swore to myself to not having a close relationship with the people from work. But somehow I now have these five colleagues who I've grown fond of, we even went on a vacation together sometimes. Since they're just a contract employee, one of them had left the company for a better career and another one currently waiting for his degree application. Every one of them actually planning to leave the company for a better promising career and I don't blame them. Realising that I'm gonna bid farewell to these people in no time now, I felt devastated. It's because, when things at work got out of hand or I was feeling depressed because of work, these people were the one who cheered me up so I can't imagine being by myself in the company in the future sobsob.
Can't get over my low self-esteem
Not that I don't appreciate what I have now, I just can't help but compare myself with others around me especially my siblings, my cousins, and my friends. When I was a student, I compared us in term of studying and immediately became depressed when I couldn't achieve better results. But now, I'm comparing us in term of who has a better job and income, who have more savings in his/her account, who's going to success first, who's going to become rich first, who would be getting married first, and etc. And in the end, I felt small every time because I'm not in the top list among these people I'm comparing myself to. Ugh, I hate my life.
I am so stubborn as a daughter
I had a huge argument with my dad recently. In fact, I'm the only child who loves having an argument with my parents, I realised that. Stubborn, yes that's who I am, or maybe that's just how the nature of a firstborn. I knew that our parents just wanted us to have a great life, so whatever they decided to do with our lives was because it's what they think is the best for us. I knew that, but on the other hand, I have this stubborn side that I think I'm adult enough to make my own decision. Like c'mon, it's my life that is at stake so I know what's the best for me. But every time I got into different opinions and ended up having an argument with my parents, I immediately would feel like I'm not a good daughter and I don't deserve to have them as my parents. And this sick feeling I'm having sucks big time.
Being less and less as an architect
I resented myself for not able to continue having the passion for my job and not having a consistent practice of developing my skills as an architect. I got jealous looking at other people great drawing skills but actually, I don't deserve to get jealous since I didn't do anything to improve mine. As I've revealed before, I'm currently the team leader in the company I work for so people do respect and look up to me especially the ones younger than me. I had this touching moment where someone said that I'm her idol. Honestly, I never imagined being someone's inspiration. But sadly, I don't deserve such compliments because I know that day by day, I'm being less responsible of what they've been idolising me for.
There's so much to talk about if I keep this up so I'm gonna stop here before I continue embarrassing myself by revealing these dark sides of me.
Till many more heartfelt posts,
Lya.
Can't get over my low self-esteem
Not that I don't appreciate what I have now, I just can't help but compare myself with others around me especially my siblings, my cousins, and my friends. When I was a student, I compared us in term of studying and immediately became depressed when I couldn't achieve better results. But now, I'm comparing us in term of who has a better job and income, who have more savings in his/her account, who's going to success first, who's going to become rich first, who would be getting married first, and etc. And in the end, I felt small every time because I'm not in the top list among these people I'm comparing myself to. Ugh, I hate my life.
I am so stubborn as a daughter
I had a huge argument with my dad recently. In fact, I'm the only child who loves having an argument with my parents, I realised that. Stubborn, yes that's who I am, or maybe that's just how the nature of a firstborn. I knew that our parents just wanted us to have a great life, so whatever they decided to do with our lives was because it's what they think is the best for us. I knew that, but on the other hand, I have this stubborn side that I think I'm adult enough to make my own decision. Like c'mon, it's my life that is at stake so I know what's the best for me. But every time I got into different opinions and ended up having an argument with my parents, I immediately would feel like I'm not a good daughter and I don't deserve to have them as my parents. And this sick feeling I'm having sucks big time.
Being less and less as an architect
I resented myself for not able to continue having the passion for my job and not having a consistent practice of developing my skills as an architect. I got jealous looking at other people great drawing skills but actually, I don't deserve to get jealous since I didn't do anything to improve mine. As I've revealed before, I'm currently the team leader in the company I work for so people do respect and look up to me especially the ones younger than me. I had this touching moment where someone said that I'm her idol. Honestly, I never imagined being someone's inspiration. But sadly, I don't deserve such compliments because I know that day by day, I'm being less responsible of what they've been idolising me for.
There's so much to talk about if I keep this up so I'm gonna stop here before I continue embarrassing myself by revealing these dark sides of me.
Till many more heartfelt posts,
Lya.