From My Heart - La Scrittura Street

September 21, 2018

From My Heart

lya amie
a pic of me because, why not?

Hello peeps.

Well, it's been a while since I last write here freely with no planning ahead, having tons of drafts getting updated day by day. I miss that kind of writing so here I am. Seriously today's post won't be something that's informative or important, just me being myself randomly writing about whatever comes up in my head at the moment. 

Developing a new costly hobby
Currently just finished watching Thirty But Seventeen so I was kinda bored. The drama was great until its 15th episode coz it was too rush, it lost the hype. I was disappointed. But the 16th episode made it up as it was a perfect final episode for a drama. Reflecting on my activities these past few weeks, I realised that my love for watching movies or dramas or tv shows are growing rapidly. I couldn't go a day without watching a movie because somehow, watching movies also was some sort of reality escapism which I needed the most. But I'm mad at myself for can't wait for the online release of a newly released movie at the cinema. As for god's sake, it costs me money!

Farewell to the people I cherish
When I first entered the company, I swore to myself to not having a close relationship with the people from work. But somehow I now have these five colleagues who I've grown fond of, we even went on a vacation together sometimes. Since they're just a contract employee, one of them had left the company for a better career and another one currently waiting for his degree application. Every one of them actually planning to leave the company for a better promising career and I don't blame them. Realising that I'm gonna bid farewell to these people in no time now, I felt devastated. It's because, when things at work got out of hand or I was feeling depressed because of work, these people were the one who cheered me up so I can't imagine being by myself in the company in the future sobsob.

Can't get over my low self-esteem
Not that I don't appreciate what I have now, I just can't help but compare myself with others around me especially my siblings, my cousins, and my friends. When I was a student, I compared us in term of studying and immediately became depressed when I couldn't achieve better results. But now, I'm comparing us in term of who has a better job and income, who have more savings in his/her account, who's going to success first, who's going to become rich first,  who would be getting married first, and etc. And in the end, I felt small every time because I'm not in the top list among these people I'm comparing myself to. Ugh, I hate my life.

I am so stubborn as a daughter
I had a huge argument with my dad recently. In fact, I'm the only child who loves having an argument with my parents, I realised that. Stubborn, yes that's who I am, or maybe that's just how the nature of a firstborn. I knew that our parents just wanted us to have a great life, so whatever they decided to do with our lives was because it's what they think is the best for us. I knew that, but on the other hand, I have this stubborn side that I think I'm adult enough to make my own decision. Like c'mon, it's my life that is at stake so I know what's the best for me. But every time I got into different opinions and ended up having an argument with my parents, I immediately would feel like I'm not a good daughter and I don't deserve to have them as my parents. And this sick feeling I'm having sucks big time.

Being less and less as an architect
I resented myself for not able to continue having the passion for my job and not having a consistent practice of developing my skills as an architect. I got jealous looking at other people great drawing skills but actually, I don't deserve to get jealous since I didn't do anything to improve mine. As I've revealed before, I'm currently the team leader in the company I work for so people do respect and look up to me especially the ones younger than me. I had this touching moment where someone said that I'm her idol. Honestly, I never imagined being someone's inspiration. But sadly, I don't deserve such compliments because I know that day by day, I'm being less responsible of what they've been idolising me for.

There's so much to talk about if I keep this up so I'm gonna stop here before I continue embarrassing myself by revealing these dark sides of me.

Till many more heartfelt posts,
Lya.

14 comments:

  1. I'm having a same problem like you currently. My self esteem is at its lowest right now. Most of my friends are doing way better than me in terms of career and financial. I'm genuinely happy for them but couldn't help but to feel small whenever I think my current situation T^T

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    1. Ikr. It's very hard to think positive when we compare ourselves to others but that's what we love to do. Sobsob

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  2. i think you can use this blogging medium to help u to increase your self esteem. express yourself more and make new friends. tulis je apa nak tulis and put all the worries aside. well its not going to be easy but you have to try =)

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    1. Totally agree with you. I do use blogging to release my stress sometimes and having a great blogging community could lift my mood whenever I have this bad feeling ;)

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  3. The comparing game is so ugly and social media makes it worse . I'd watch my friends having fun and I was in home watching Youtube lol. And just yesterday I woke up and shocked at how ugly I am when I looked at the mirror. Sob.

    x Rasya | nurulrasya.com

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    1. Haha that's true. I hate social media because it's like we're competing with each other about who got it all better in life.....but I couldn't live without social media myself *sigh

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  4. watching movie and my fav shows is also one of my fav 'me time'.

    we never stop comparing ourselves with the others, it just the way we take it in heart, either positive or negative. all the best for your job, don't worry, we should move in our own pace in learning something :)

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    1. I love how movies brought me to another world

      Yeah, everyone has their own pace in life so we really should realise that and stop comparing ourselves to others ;)

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  5. this happens to me as well and i believe it also does happen to everyone out there. it's a process, life is. a process where we're trying to find ourselves. i hope u'll be able to figure things out in your life because i am too doing the same right now.

    www.raydahalhabsyi.com

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    1. I believe everyone struggles in life in their own way. We should just try to have a better life of our own and just don't mind other people ;)

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  6. I just finished Thirty But Seventeen yesterday and I think it's the best drama I had watched this year.. I wish they're a bit longer though.. Huhu..
    Regarding the issues that you're dealing with.. I totally understand your position as you know, I'm rebellious in a way too.. Well, we just want to prove that we're right in some point kan..? It's fine Lya... You could definitely rant about life here and no one have the right the judge.. ^^

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    1. I loved the drama too! They cut a few episodes due to cutting time slot because of the asian games, what a shame, I wanted it to be longer too.
      Right. We all have our rebellious side. I needed someone to say that it's okay so thanks for this, Anis.

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  7. Ko awesomela weh. Passion ko tinggi. Ko semangat. Chill ok? Hidup ni semua psal belajar. Ak tau ko boleh 😊

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    1. Aww thank you, harap aku betul kuat macam yang kau kata ;)

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