Struggling With Mental Health

Hi.

It feels awkward to write here again after such a long time. I almost forget how calm I've always been while enjoying writing back in the days I was active. I want to write again, to feel calm again, as this medium of mine is escapism for me, to actually let it all out.

Struggling with mental health. 

You read it right, and I'm talking about myself. As much as I wanted to avoid this topic, tried to bury it inside me, pretending to act normal, but it became so overwhelming and I was not okay at all. I guess now I'm finally ready to share it with you readers, to let it all out here. To rant.

It began back in March 2022. A series of things happened, and I lost people dearest to me. I experienced the pain in my heart, literally. I now realise it was not a metaphor when people say your heart hurts. Not even a single night went without me crying my heart out. Every day was a struggle for me to even open my eyes as I wish to not wake up and feel those feelings anymore. I would go to work with swollen eyes and cover them up with heavy makeup. I procrastinated badly till my boss reprimanded me. I couldn't concentrate on my study hence I decided to defer one semester. I began isolating myself from family and friends, I just lost the motivation to do anything at all. 

People might not understand, they could say, "just don't think about it" but how can I, when I have no control over what to think. I can be so busy with work and studying, I can go travelling, I can be doing what I love, but it still lingers in my mind, disturbing the peace in my heart, attacking me at night. People can say, "you have to pray more" but little did they know, with every pain I felt, "Oh Allah" is the only name I uttered, begging, as I know it's only Him I could rely on. People can mock me, "you don't look or act depressed" as they only see what I wanted to show them but deep inside, I'm dying. The old me died already.

It was hard. Very hard.

But I tried to give myself a chance as I wanted to believe that 'time will heal'. So it went on for months till I can no longer withhold the pain, I decided to seek professional help and I was diagnosed with moderate depression. I was given medicine on my third session as the doctor saw no progress in me. Now it's been a year since I'm on medication and continuing with the sessions with my doctor. I made progress and I'm getting better but it's still there. The doctor also highlighted that the thoughts and the pain won't go away. It could be for months or even years but I will be back to my old self again, eventually. Though, I still doubt it can.

Time doesn't heal. It's what you do with the time. Healing is possible when we choose to take responsibility when we choose to take risks, and finally when we choose to release the wound, to let go of the past or the grief - Edith Egar

Till then,

Lya.